Got a toothbrush?
she woke up with a sticky ear
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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