So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
