My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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