I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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