Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
