I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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