i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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