I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
