Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
