I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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