I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
