You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
