I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
