dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
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As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
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If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.