she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
what is it with giant penises always finding me
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.