a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
