My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
