I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
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She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
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New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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