And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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