I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
