TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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