I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
