I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
