I haven't been this sober since birth.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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