I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
