Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
