I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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