The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
