Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.