He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.