Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
