First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
