I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Randomize
