in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
