The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
