someone get that fucking seahorse.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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