i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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