new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
