apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
