So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
