Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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