If you die in college, do you die in real life?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
