She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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