Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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