He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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