the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
