u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...