Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
