before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
