I'm laying in your front yard are you home
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
