So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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