Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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