Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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