if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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