Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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